(Cue Wayne's World cut scene fingers. Doodly-doo, doodly-doo, doodly-doo…)
Long ago, I spent several years in Brazil, because that is the sort of manly and intrepid person that I am. Now, the thing about Brazil is that Americans only know two things about it: They love Soccer there! And, isn't it like, the jungle or something? And, indeed, a great deal of Brazil is covered by the Amazonian rain forest. What Americans don't realize is that a country as big as Brazil actually has a variety of ecosystems, one of which (much to my surprise, once I arrived there) is desert. Cool. (Or should I say Hot, HAHAHA! Never mind. Ahem. Anyways...) So, I had arrived in the desert of Brazil, and had only been there about two weeks when the following events occurred.
Allow me to set the scene. At the time I was living in a series of four-plexes, and our apartment was at the very end, on the bottom floor. I was living there with three other guys, two Brazilians and one other American. Due to the circumstances of my time there, I was were required to go everywhere with a buddy. So one fine, warm day, I was returning home around lunch time with my buddy. (All days in Brazil are fine and warm. In fact, the weather being what it is, most people wear flip-flops almost every day, and almost everywhere. An inconsequential point, one might think, but one that enters the story later with a vengeance.) Anyways, on this particular fine, warm day, as we were passing by the neighbors house, we heard a piercing shriek, so naturally, being the caring, supportive neighbors we were, we stopped and craned our necks for all we were worth to see what was causing the ruckus.
Now, time may have clouded my memory of this event, but this, roughly, is what happened next. The door bursts open, followed very closely by two neighbors, a middle aged lady and her daughter, launching out what, at first glance, would appear to a large mouse or a small cat. (Or possibly a regular size cockroach. They grow things large in Brazil.) Of course it turn out to be none of these things. It is… (Dun Dun DUUUUUUNNN) a very large Tarantula. (Wait, you weren't surprised by that buildup? Oh yeah, I guess you are reading a blog about my experiences with spiders. Maybe I should quit wasting so much time on exposition.)
Now, I had previously supposed, being a naive young man, that living around such things would harden the populace, and make them blasé to the encroaches of the native fauna. However, in actuality, it turns out that there are some things that People, in general, just do not like. There may be exceptions, of course. I personally know some people who appear to be the Crocodile Hunter of Spiders (if you will) picking them up, playing with them, and giving them adorable nicknames (Furry-Butt, Googly-Eyes, Harvester of Damned Souls, etc.)
The point of all this, is that the two ladies dealing with the spider appeared to be not in the least hardened to having tarantulas in their midst. They put their hands on the first weapons they could find, and attacked that spider as though it had threatened to hit a baby with a hammer. Of course, it being Brazil, the first things they could lay their hands on were their sandals. And if you do not think that an ordinary flip-flop provides an effective weapon, clearly you have not spent much time around women of latin descent. Indeed, rarely, if ever, have I seen two pairs of flip-flops dual wielded with such stunning ferocity. It brought to mind some lesser known Jackie Chan film, if the antagonist in such a film had been a spider the size of your hand. (Unless you have small hands. The point being, it was not a small creature.)
Now, it has taken me quite a while to tell all of this, because I tend to be long-winded, but it happened in the space of a few seconds, so me and my friend were left there in stunned amazement, looking at what looked like what would happen if there was an explosion in a internal-organs-and-hair factory. Naturally, it was an event that stuck in our minds, so that night we shared the story with the other guys in our apartment, spending as much time as possible focusing on "how BIG that thing was! It was like, check out this plate, ok? Kind of like that!" This naturally led to curiosity on the part of our companions, so flashlights were retrieved, and an expedition was mounted to view the remains of Spiderzilla. This of course, led to the events of next weeks installment, which I like to call "Revenge of Spiderzilla: the Bride of Spiderzilla!"
(To Be Continued...)
(How was that buildup? Was that better? I'm still getting used to this "having space to write whatever I feel like" thing.)
(P.S. I also added a follow by email thing, so if you feel like it you will get an email anytime you want to hear about spiders, and I also happen to have written something about them here.)
